Off Balance

It's been unseasonably warm here lately. Beautiful sunny days stir something in me, make me itch to get outside and work in the dirt. But it is way too early to work in the garden. I've planted leeks and parsley indoors under lights, and still have parsley, kale, and leeks in the yard, lying dormant, but the weather is telling me it's spring when it isn't. So after walking the dog yesterday (she loves to walk, in spite of the blindness) I started working on edging the walk and driveway, something we have neglected since we moved in here ten years ago. I made a small dent, but it will take a few more days to get everything in shape, so I have my work cut out for me if this warm weather continues. Other things I thought of to work on: turning and relocating the compost piles and cutting down the growth at the back of the yard. Nothing that will disturb the soil. Checking the long term forecast, I don't see any more days in the fifties, so this may all be moot anyhow.

All this warm weather has got me feeling a bit out of balance because where did winter go? Don't get me wrong, I don't miss high heating bills and feeling like I'll never be warm again. I just feel a bit like Rip Van Winkle, like I've slept too long and fast forwarded through part of the year. Isn't that just like samsara? It's always too hot or too cold.

The puppy wants to go outside all the time, too, and since our yard isn't fenced and she is blind, I have to accompany her on every trip, thinking she has to potty when all she does is wander around, sit on the driveway and scratch herself.

My Texas sister (as opposed to Indiana sister and Arizona sister) called over the weekend, and she has bought her plane ticket for her weekend visit in February. I am so excited! Now I need to start planning some fun stuff to do, and start cleaning out the guest room, which is currently overflowing with the dog's stuff and my recycled fabric stash. Guess where she wants to visit? Trader Joes! They don't have any Trader Joes in Texas, I guess. Don't worry, we'll also be visiting the IMA, Eiteljorg, and Botanical Gardens. Mostly I will just be thrilled to have her all to myself. As charming as her children are, it will be nice to have some one on one time with her. I can't remember the last time we did that.

Heard from a friend who is having back problems and said I'd do some Medicine Buddha mantras for him. This is the second time this month I've made that promise and it got me thinking that I should be doing them regularly for the whole suffering world. TADYATA OM BHEKHANDZYE BHEKHANDZYE MAHA BHEKHANDZYE BHEKHANDZYE RAJA SAMUDGATE SVAHA

Digging Out

Yesterday I tackled the basement, again. It is a huge, monstrous mess down there, and just terrible Feng Shui to be living on top of that mess. I am a bit of a pack rat, albeit a Jekyll and Hyde one. I go through phases where I can't let go of anything without leaving claw marks on it (typical Crab) and then phases where I hate clutter with a venomous passion, tossing things out while mentally screaming, “You're ruining my life!” Right now I think I'm in the latter, but a somewhat milder version of it. I am on a bit of a cleaning spree, and I received a wonderful new sewing machine last Wednesday without so much as giving it a trial run because I've been preoccupied with cleaning and organizing.

And yet, I have very little to show for it, beyond the main house being presentable enough for company again, redeemed from the junkie-flophouse squalor it descended to over the holidays when I was ill with some kind of lingering food poisoning. The basement hardly looks changed. It is going to take a long time to dig out from under the years and years of depression and lethargy that I've somehow managed to break through. I really shouldn't expect anything less.

Housecleaning, and by extension, homekeeping, makes me crazy because of the endlessness of it. I vacuum the rug and it just needs vacuuming again, cook a meal only to have to cook again, do laundry only to need to do it again the next week. And on and on. The over and over of life makes me despair a bit. Well, a lot. I seriously think like this: “You mean I have to brush and floss twice a day, every day, for the rest of my life? Why don't I just kill myself right now?” You'd think it would make me desperate to get out of samsara, and to practice like my hair's on fire, like the saying goes. But I run into the same issues with practice. The over and over of it makes me want to flee with the desperation of a caged animal. I am incapable of seeing it for the freedom it offers, and it becomes an obligation instead. I don't see everything this way. I never think, “Oh, I need to cuddle with my puppy? But I'll just need to do it again tomorrow!” So it is clear that perception is at work here, and that my job is to change that, or rather, to plant the seeds to see it change for me. It's wisdom that I truly need.

For now, I focus on being present. On doing things one step at a time. For me this means a lot of surrender. I surrender to the present moment and release my fears of being trapped. I do the dishes in order to do the dishes, like Thich Nhat Hahn writes. Not to get them out of the way or the task over with, but to embrace that moment as life itself. As freedom itself. This is what I aspire to.

What This Blog Is Not

In typical Buddhist fashion, I inaugurate this blog by talking about an absence. If you've studied emptiness or the Heart Sutra, this makes perfect sense.

This blog is not a record of a perfect life, nor is it the story of a perfect practitioner . I am not one. It will not share any secret wisdom – I have none to impart. It won't be filled with gorgeous photos of home décor, place settings, food, crafts or art. I am a terrible photographer. I can't write about all the things I get done in a day, because to be honest, I don't do much. Just hearing about other people's busy lives makes me feel tired. No sweepstakes, fashion tips, or celebrity gossip either.

What I can share is my daily thoughts, my attempts and failures at practice. Readers can get a glimpse of an one person's attempt to walk the Buddhist path while being a homemaker. I want to document the things I create and grow, my struggle to walk lightly on the earth, the ways I try to nurture my relationships. Above all, I just want to write because I'm not sure I can be happy if I don't.

Welcome to my blog!